it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
