No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
