I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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