If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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