so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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