The maid of honor just puked.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
