we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
