I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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