He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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