At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
