Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Randomize
