Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
