Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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