im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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