I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
