im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
