Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
