She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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