How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
