some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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