do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
