it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
