ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
