Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
