wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
