I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
