i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We have so much sex to catch up on
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
