we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
