Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
