It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
