I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
two words...techno handjob
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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