When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
