I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
