he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
