One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
