oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
