**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
