How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
