Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
