The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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