She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
