I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
