this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
