I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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