you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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