he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
