Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
