why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
