please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
