I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
